I live in beautiful San Francisco. I haven't felt unsafe in this city since I found myself alone on Broadway at 2am the weekend I moved here. But even amongst the strip clubs, street walkers, and homeless sprinkled all over the street...I felt...ok.
I've been here for three years, and I like to think of myself as pretty safe, pretty savvy. But, much to my mothers chagrin I do walk alone. I like walking home after work, I like walking around on the weekends, and mostly I don't like spending money on cabs or muni. (yes, I risk my life to save $2 bus fare)
Every once in a while someone knows someone who knows someone that got beat up, robbed, or bitch slapped on the streets of SF. And when they do, I inevitably get an email about it. I appreciate everyone looking out for me, but hello...if I wanted to be scared to leave my apartment, I'd watch the NEWS! In every one of these emails I am reminded to NEVER walk alone. Not at night, not at high noon. If you do find yourself walking around at high noon, you better not have my earbuds in and never text or talk on the phone because it makes you all the more vulnerable. Well, you know what gangsters...I LIKE walking alone and I LIKE listening to music while I do it. Now, the theory I am about to put forth is NOT fool proof. It is more like birth control...99.8% accurate.
THEORY: If you're listening to Christmas music while walking alone at night the chances of an attack dramatically decrease.
Now, I know what you're thinking. HARK! Garbanzo! That's it! That's the key to safety! And yes, I am toying with the idea of publishing this theory in a science magazine. You know, there is a chance I'll get the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, helping people walk safer...doesn't get more fucking peaceful than that! RIGHT!?
After thinking long and hard and talking at length to Morris about the theory, I have realized there are some loop holes...
The First Noel - you're safe
Mary Did You Know - nevah been safah
I'll be Home for Christmas - you bet your grandmothers pecan pie, you're fine!
However, there are some songs that are just too slutty. They're like your best friend from high school, you want to love and respect her but you can't, because she's just too slutty. Please use these songs as a guideline:
Santa Baby - UNSAFE. Why you ask?
1. Because Santa, he ain't a baby. I know for a FACT that Santa existed when my great grandma was a kid, and she's 93, science would suggest that Santa ain't a baby.
2. CYNTHIA BASINET needs to shut her whorish mouth about Santa because Santa is a MARRIED MAN
Jingle Bell Rock - Might as well be Regular Rock
a. Jingle Bells are meant to be "rang", or "jingled", not rocked. You know what should be rocked? Baby Jesus. And when sweet, sweet Baby Jesus needs to be rocked, it will not be to this song.
b. I said BABY JESUS
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer - I love my grandma
uno. If grandma did get run over by a reindeer, you shouldn't be singing about it you should be taking her ass to the hospital.
dos. Someone needs to take that reindeer out before any other elderly women get hurt
tres. Because with my luck, I won't get mugged on the walk home...I'll get run over by a reindeer, and frankly that scares me.
Remember: If you can't find your sleigh, walk safely and sweet sweet Baby Jesus will protect you.
xoxo,
Garbanzo
